


just let me in

by hesitant_Jupiter



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst and Comfort, Jared is sad, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, This Is Sad, connor is concerned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 12:07:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15072815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hesitant_Jupiter/pseuds/hesitant_Jupiter
Summary: connor hasn't heard from jared, and is starting to get worried. he finds jared in his bathroom with the door locked. angst ensues





	just let me in

**Author's Note:**

> tw for self harm and suicidal thoughts. stay safe!

  Connor has been trying to contact Jared all day. He wasn't at school, and he wasn't answering any texts. He was starting to get really worried. He hadn't heard from Jared since last night, and he knows that can't be good. He's so worried. The day is going by so fucking slow, so Connor just says fuck it and leaves during lunch. He drives to Jared’s house not wearing a seatbelt and not giving a fuck about the speed limit.

 

       When he gets to Jared’s house, the front door is unlocked.  _ Huh. Weird. _ He thinks, but lets himself in anyways 

 

       Connor looks through the whole house, and still doesn't find Jared. He's starting to panic now. Shit. Where could he be?

 

_ The bathroom.  _ Connor thinks. He didn't check the bathroom. He tries to open the door, but it's locked. He hears muffled sobs from the other side of the door. 

 

        “Jared? Are you in there?” Connor asks loudly. He hears a strangled yes come from the other side of the door.

 

        “What's wrong? Why weren't you at school today?” Connor asks, worry flooding his voice.

 

       “Didn't wanna come today, I had other plans in mind,” Jared explains with a shaky voice. Connor is confused.

 

        “Your other plans were sitting in the bathroom crying?” Connor asks, sounding meaner than intended. Jared scoffs.

 

       “God, Murphy, I'd think that of all people, you would know what I meant by that,” Jared spits out. Connor  _ still _ doesn't understand. Jared takes Connor’s silence as more confusion.

 

        “I'm not leaving this bathroom alive, Murphy,” Jared spits spits out harshly. Connor gasps, shocked. 

 

        “Jared I swear to fucking god, you're not gonna kill yourself,” Connor says hotly. Jared laughs painfully. 

 

        “Face it, Murphy. We both know nobody would give a shit if I did. I'm a dick to everyone, and it'd be so much better if I weren't here,” Jared says sadly.

 

        “Jared, please. I would give a shit, okay? You're my closest friend and I don't know what the fuck I'd do without you,” Connor pleads. Jared laughs at this.

 

        “Yeah fucking right, Murphy! We both know that's a lie,” Jared says harshly. Connor balls up his fists.

 

       “God damnit, Jared, I'm not lying. Just please fucking let me in,” Connor says. He's so fucking scared. He can't lose Jared. 

 

        “No way, Murphy. I've been wanting to do this for so long, and you're not gonna stop me. I'm useless. Nothing I ever do matters, so why would it matter if i did this?” Jared questions.

 

       “Jared, I need you. You're all I have, okay? I'd miss you so fucking much, Jared. I don't even think I could function without you, J. You mean the world to me,” Connor says softly. Jared doesn't say anything. He just sits there quietly, taking in what Connor says. 

 

       “Jared I- um- I love you,” Connor whispers. Jared stays silent, unsure of what to say.

 

       “Connor I swear if you're lying just to get me out-” Jared is cut off by Connor.

 

        “I'm not fucking lying, Jared! I love you way more than I'd actually like to admit,” Connor says roughly. He hears a slight shift from behind the door, then he hears the lock click. Connor opens the door hurriedly and rushes into the bathroom.

 

        Connor is set slightly aback by the sight. Jared is sitting in the bathtub, a few bottles of pills  (luckily they're still full) surrounding him. He has on a big shirt, but no pants, just boxers. His arms are cut up pretty bad, there are ones going in all directions, and on both arms. Most of them are still bleeding a bit. His legs are the same, except having a little less than his arms do. Connor feels tears well up in his eyes.

 

       “Jared I'm sorry,” is all Connor can manage. Jared waves a dismissive hand.

 

       “It's fine, really,” He lies. It's not fine. Jared hasn't been fine for a long time.

 

       “No, Jared, it's obviously not fine,” Connor snaps.

 

       They are both silent for a moment, unsure of what to say.

 

       “Could I help you clean them, Jared? It's the least I could do,” Connor asks. Jared says nothing, but nods slightly. Connor grabs a washrag and wets it. As he wipes the blood off of Jared’s arm, he winces in pain.

 

       “Shit, sorry,” Connor says. Jared just shakes his head.

 

       “Doesn't hurt anymore than what I've done to myself,” Jared jokes. Connor doesn't laugh. When connor finishes wiping all the blood off of Jared, he wraps his arms and legs in gauze.

 

       “Why’d you have the pills, too?” Connor asks. Jared’s eyes look anywhere but Connor.

 

       “I was, well, I was gonna take those, but you came before I could,” Jared explains sadly. Connor grabs Jared by his chin so he's facing Connor. Jared’s eyes dart away from Connor’s.

 

       “Jared, look at me,” Connor says, and Jared slowly does. He has such a sad look in his eyes. He looks completely broken.

 

       “Promise me you won't, Jared,” Connor starts, tears already starting to form. “I don’t think I could handle you leaving me. I really do love you,” Connor says, sniffling.

 

        “Connor, I love you too, I really do. But I can't make promises that I can’t keep. I won't do it anytime soon, I guess. But I cannot make promises for the future, Connor,” Jared chokes out. Connor is full on sobbing now. He knows how it feels, however, so he can't be mad at Jared. He's been in the same spot.

 

       “Okay, okay,” Connor says, taking deep breaths. 

 

       “Jared, I know how this feels. I've been in a spot like this more than once, and I'm here for you, okay? I know that me saying that isn't going to make everything better. I also know that me loving you won't make everything better. But I really want to help you through this, Jared,” Connor says, his voice faltering to a whisper at the end. Jared looks at him and smiles. 

 

       “I know, Connor. And I'm so happy that you'll be here for me through all of this,” Jared says.

 

       Connor grabs the pill bottles off the side of the tub and puts them up. He offers Jared a hand to help him get up, and Jared takes it and laces their fingers together before getting up. They walk hand in hand to Jared’s room.

 

       “You wanna watch something?” Connor asks as Jared sits down on his bed. Jared nods.

 

        “Beauty and the Beast okay?” Connor asks. Again, Jared just nods. He's very tired, today was emotionally draining. Connor turns the movie on and lays down next to Jared.

 

       “I wanna be the little spoon,” Jared mumbles. This slightly takes Connor back, but he wraps his arms around Jared hesitantly. Jared leans into his touch.

 

       Neither Jared or Connor is fine right now, but they have each other. That won't necessarily fix everything. No, everything is still far from okay. But they're glad to have each other

**Author's Note:**

> thank for reading!! comments and kudos are appreciated, i love yall


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